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I Am Jack’s Endearing Pathologies

16 January 2006

CONVERSION NOTICE: This is one of 250+ blogs that originally appeared on MySpace. I’ve done my best to represent it with as much historical accuracy as possible, but there are limitations. Read about it in the FAQ.

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7 Comments to “I Am Jack’s Endearing Pathologies”

  1. i have triplicate of everything in my bathroom stored under the sink, aligned and arranged neatly.


    2 kinds of shaving cream
    2 kinds of liquid hand soap
    3 kinds of face wash
    2 kinds of deodorant
    shampoo/conditioner combo for the gym
    3 kinds of bath soap
    2 kinds of cologne
    3 kinds of hair gel
    2 kinds of pommade

    that’s not crazy, is it? i just like to be prepared.

    just in case.

  2. The Queen is Jessica

    The duplicate and triplicate madness is because you are OCD!!! SCARY!!!!

    You need to own cups and dishes, you lazy ass. You need to work that lazy bum of yours to wash your crapola! Hee Hee.

    I heart you and your eccentricities.

  3. Well here I am. Know you were looking for me. Awaiting my commentary. Had I known all you really needed from Hawaii were free toiletries in triplicate, I would’ve skipped over the postcard and bra/skirt ensemble shopping.

    Ok, well. The pictures are a start. You might need to provide some video footage or an in-person tour so I can assess the storage situation cause having the duplicate and triplicate items just out therecan’t be having that. Let me roll up my sleeves and dive into what we’re really dealing with.

    First of all, some background. I lived with a chef for about 4 yrs. And, er, I’d actually like those 4 yrs back. Everyone assumes that when you live w/someone who has been educated to cook, that you get gourmet stuff all the time to stuffen you like the Thanksgiving Day turkey. Well you may end up with a kitchen containing every utensil and French kitchen appliance known to man, but in reality, you live w/someone who works nights and weekends all the time and when that person does cook, it’s like a tornado whipping through the kitchen, dropping shit on the floor, splattering sauces and using every pot, bowl, spatula and appliance just to make a mother f’ing grilled cheese sandwich. AND, they expect you to clean up after them. So basically, don’t troll for babes at the California Culinary Academy. That’s my dating advicefor now.

    All you need is a stainless steel fridge and I believe we can feature your icebox’s innards in an episode of MTV’s Cribs. Amazing. Those rock stars never have food in there, it’s always liquids. Well organized liquids. Maybe put an empty champagne bottle in there w/a fake Cristal label just for shits and giggles for now.

    Life should be about being out and about enjoying it. If I’m not eating at a restaurant w/friends. I’m getting takeout or picking up food from my mom’s. Cereal is great if there is the correct balance of cereal to milk ratio. Nothing too soggy. Nothing too crunchy. Consider the cereal again on occasion just for budget’s sake. After all, one dinner out = half an Ikea store so you might need to consider the Cheerios route if only for a night. The fact that you don’t eat at home a lot, well, it’s your lifestyle. That’s OK. But should you ever want to impress a girl and eat at home and NOT look like a Bounty paper towel commercial with your droopy paper plates, we need to address the dinnerware situation. If you have a red plaid shirt and Timberland boots though, then that Bounty thing might work in your favor. But don’t confirm or deny that particular outfit for us readers if you please.

    Do you take the garbage out in a timely manner? Do you mop the floors and/or vacuum more than once a quarter? We’ve had the sheet discussion, so don’t need to know about that unless yours have funny animals or spaceships on them. Do you occasionally remember to dump the crumbs out of the toaster? Do you own a can opener? These are things I NEED to know in order to help you.

    Yes, you are absolutely correct that the proper way to achieve acceptable kitchen and dinnerware, is to marry. Marry up. Cause if you marry the female version of you, then you’d better start shopping for all your paper goods at Costco.

    Recently, my friend Heather and I took our other good friend, Emily, to Ikea for the first time. It was about a 3 hr process and we had to give her some simple yet strict guidelines in walking through the store since it can be sensory overload, but I know I can do this againeven if Heather ended up in the emergency room that night, but I’m sure that had NOTHING to do w/Ikea. Or hanging out w/me.

    So make an appointment w/my secretary. Check my concert calendar. Work around my bands. Let’s go to Ikea. But bring your medical insurance card JUST in case 🙂 And bring a buck to buy me a soft serve cone. I get hungry. Make that two bucks. I might want a cinnamon roll too.

    P.S. I have a kitchen full of plates, pots, cups, glasses, flatwar

    • Do you think the point MySpace was trying to make to me, by cutting off my p.s., is that the blog commentary is not supposed to be as long as the blog itself? Crap. I think so.

    • OK, so several things:

      1) I’ve never dated anyone who’s gone to school for cooking, but I can’t imagine tolerating a mess like that in my house. Having had girlfriends cook for me in the past, I will say that I’d prefer to eat out. And I’ll leave it at that.

      2) Like I said, I almost never eat at home. It’s all liquids… just enough to keep me alive until the next restaurant.

      3) Cereal is the food of the gods. Mana from heaven.

      4) I wonder about that Bounty lumberjack. I have to figure that, logically, a rugged character like that is aimed at appealing to the people who buy paper towels – stereotypically speaking, housewives. That being said, is it really that bad of a look? I mean, maybe a flannel shirt could get me in with the Desperate Housewives?

      5) Regarding garbage, et al, I keep the place relatively sterile. I get rid of garbage. I don’t dust… that’s probably the one bad housekeeping thing I do… I neglect dusting. I have some kind of nebulous, unformed feeling that like… I shouldn’t have to. If that makes any sense. Like I don’t accept the idea that dust collects on my stuff. It feels like a moral objection. I can’t quite put it into words.

      6) Seriously, take me to Ikea. Or put me in contact with someone who will.

    • I should also mention that Trader Joe’s rocks my socks. I picked up two meals worth of frozen “soyrizo” taquitos on my way home tonight for like $3.50. Paper plate, microwave, done and done. Now my whole house smells like it, but all things considered…

  4. Hola!

    I was actually nodding my head and smiling whle reading through your whole blog. What you have taken pictures of and described is what I picture you having. Is this weird? Do things need to be changed? I don’t know……all I know is that is how/who you are.


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