CONVERSION NOTICE: This is one of 250+ blogs that originally appeared on MySpace. I’ve done my best to represent it with as much historical accuracy as possible, but there are limitations. Read about it in the FAQ.
Current Mood: distractable
When I was going through an old file full of notes to myself, etc. from years ago, I came across this entire blog entry that I wrote but decided not to post. I suppose I thought it was too negative (or creepy?) at the time. But I might as well share it now. This would have been from somewhere around late July or early August of 2005. Holy shit, that’s more than three years ago! It would have been about the time that Jared was moving to the U.K. I had just met Taylor. I was just getting to know Orlando and starting This Charming Band. I had just decided to go see a shrink for the first time. I was preparing to move again, and to live alone for the first time ever. These were rough days. A period of serious reflection, one of the few that rivals my current situation. I just went and re-read some of the things that I did post around that time. And it’s difficult to read, even now. Anyway, enjoy… a “lost” blog from 2005…
For a long time, I’ve thought of the various weird interests, hang-ups, and rituals I have as… eccentricities. Things that, in my view, everyone should share. But I’m afraid that I may have been wrong.
Recent events have forced me to face a part of my personality that I’ve always been able to get away with ignoring. I am a rock so long as I am in the bubble I’ve built for myself. But outside of that, I apparently don’t know what the hell I’m doing. It may finally be time to see someone about it. Obviously, I’m not shy or ashamed of this. I know a good bit about it for a civilian, and I believe in the process. My social life has been turned upside down, and all of my issues have been shaken out.
To those I have hurt: I know I fuck up a lot. And then every time I try to fix it, it’s like I’m putting out the fire with gasoline. But I’m a sharp guy, and I have to believe that I can turn this around. That I’m not beyond saving. This is not me. I am better than this.
A while back, when I was in Seattle, I had a terrible and disturbing thought, which I was not planning on sharing, then or ever. But now, it feels appropriate, being that the subject is “Reasons Benjamin Is Crazy for $1000, Alex.” Several times during that trip, I found myself with a terrible headache (which I almost never get) and a general feeling of not being at ease. I’d be sitting in a room with co-workers or something, typing away on a computer or something and out of nowhere I’d have this savage urge to bite them. Do you believe that shit? And I’m talking tear into them. Not like they were annoying me and I was having daydreams of attacking them. I know what that feels like, and I think that’s probably normal. This was different. I almost jumped at one of them for Christ’s sake. I have no idea what that means, but between the headaches, the agitated disposition, and the unexplained urge to bite another human being, my first thought was… rabies. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I’ll tell you: I’ve been leading a very functional and sane life for 26 years, and I know what I was feeling.
And now some poison. I’ve long had a suspicion that everything is life about vanity. Everything. Being nice to people is a way to prove to yourself that you’re a good person. Giving someone a gift is a way to make yourself feel generous. And even people who try to help you when you’re down seem to do it more to show off their good advice than to actually help see you through your crisis. Certainly if I pay someone $200 an hour, they can leave their ego at the door and just try to fucking help. My kingdom for a little pure compassion.
Back to 2008… I just want to say, for the record, turns out I didn’t have rabies.