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I Am The Coldest Man… Ever

16 February 2006

CONVERSION NOTICE: This is one of 250+ blogs that originally appeared on MySpace. I’ve done my best to represent it with as much historical accuracy as possible, but there are limitations. Read about it in the FAQ.

Current Mood:  cold

First off, it’s Jared and Nicole‘s birthday.  Go show some love.

Last night, I drove into downtown Denver to meet an old PeopleSoft friend.  It was cold when I entered the restaurant.  It was snowing when I exited.  I drove back to the hotel in the wispy drifts of snow.  I walked several hundred feet through this falling snow.  It was God damned cold.  Holy shit was it cold.  Snow flakes landing in my eyes.  My ears and nose numb.  I’m sorry Denver, but I have no choice but to ask of you what I asked of Phoenix and the state of Wisconsin: why on earth would anyone have ever chosen to settle here?  I have the comforts of modern climate control, and I still hate it here.  Before the West was won, who climbed the Rocky Mountains, found this cold ass snowy shit, and said, “let’s build a city here?”  Actually, maybe I just answered my own question.  They probably discovered what would become the Denver area during summer.  Then they built a house, and when winter came around, they were so bitter about having taken the time to build it that they stayed just out of spite for Mother Nature.  Thus, Denver was born out of bitterness and cold.  I suppose Denver’s board of tourism might have other ideas.

As I type this, there’s a V-Cast phone ad on the television which includes the use of “Urgent” by Foreigner.  I have just this instant begun a boycott of all Verizon products and services.

My lips have been getting more chapped every day.  My hands are dry, cracked, bleeding, and screaming.  I had no choice but to finally breakdown and buy lotion… for the first time in my life.  You may recall that I absolutely detest greasy lotion anywhere on me.  But I had no choice, and though I hate the grease, it did fix my hands right up.  They’re just about right as rain after just about 24 hours now.  This morning, my lips were killing me (I hate Chapstick, too), so I took the Neutrogena label’s recommendation and tried it on my lips.  It worked a little, but it tasted like soap.  And as I’ve said, it’s greasy and doesn’t really wash off.  And that fact pretty much ruined my lunch.  “Excuse me waiter, which wine goes best with Neutrogena?”

Despite the cold and snow, I decided to venture downtown again tonight, this time with the other consultant with me here in Colorado.  He’s a kind and cultured older fella.  This was to be the coldest night of my entire life so far.  I should have known by the icicles hanging off every side of every car in the snowy hotel parking lot.  I’ve never seen that before.  We got lost trying to find the restaurant (BD’s = awesome vegetarian Mongolian BBQ = one of my favorites from the Denver area).  And when we thought we were close, we got out of the car to try to find it on foot.  It was no more than 20 degrees outside.  I wanted to die.  Luckily, they have an (unheated) free bus line that takes you around the outdoor street mall area we were in.

After a great dinner, we headed back to the car (via unheated bus which we had to wait in sub-20 temperature for).  Naturally, we got lost again and found ourselves in what must be Denver’s ghetto.  Burned out and unkept houses with bars on the windows and cops all around.  It was almost quaint looking, these little homes… very much like the little towns in old westerns.  Actually maybe like a horror movie, as they were all dark and dirty.  Creepy.  Haunted almost.  Like an old ghost town maybe.  By the time we got back to the freeway, we’d also driven through a train yard.  This was some old timey ghetto.

This consultant I’m working with is very mild-mannered.  I’ve only ever heard him cuss once.  It was tonight, on the bus.

“So tomorrow let’s make sure to cover all those metrics we discussed with them today, and Jesus I’m fucking cold right now.”

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5 Comments to “I Am The Coldest Man… Ever”

  1. Did you buy that clear Neutrogena lotion/gel kinda stuff? That shit is da bomb. Seriously. Cures all cracks. Not crack, but cracks. Don’t use it on your ass or if you’re doing hard-core drugs.

    From the Denver Board of Tourism (you bet I went straight to the website when reading your blog): “Located at the base of the Rocky Mountains, Denver is one of America’s most beautiful cities. And one of the most fun. Blessed with 300 days of sunshine a year, Denver is a lively city with a great love of the outdoors. Here you’ll find the nation’s largest city park system, 90 golf courses and an incredible 650 miles of paved bike trails. But Denver is also a cultural and sophisticated city.”

    All I can say is apparently you are there on one of the other 65 days of the year, it’s one of the most beautiful cities if you were so bitter you were trying to convince yourself you made a good decision to stay there and the culture and sophistication is meant to apply to all areas not ghetto.

    Bet you’re so cold that your balls have evacuated into your body cavity. When you arrive back in SF, it will be half as cold which means I hope at least one ball drops by the time we see you. Try not to stand lopsided.

    • ^ ^ ^

      Hahaha!!!! This friend of yours is friggin’ hysterical!! I was just going to laugh at you having to use lotion (the opposite of powder), and here comes a comment like Sus’.

      BRAVO!! is all I can muster right now!!

      hee hee HO HO!!!!

    • Many men have gone on to do great things with just one ball. Look at Lance and of course my childhood dog, Dutch. Kicked out of the full breed clan for one ball. Sad story, but he prospered through the years. The ladies still loved him and he got lots of action. Of course, until he lost it all. Bummer.

  2. I think it goes without saying that you need to get yourself back to the freezing California weather – seriously, freezing! But seriously, get yourself out of Denver!

  3. Urgent…Urgent..makeitfast makeit Urgent…. EMERGENCY!!

    Yeah, I agree… a friend of mine and I think that actor is a disgusting mixed breed man of Seth Green and Will Ferrell.


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